Neighborhood Vampire
by nitareality
Summary: O/S for FGB for Autism. More comic smut. Edward thinks he's a vampire. The neighborhood pets are disappearing at an alarming rate. Bella wonders WTF has gotten into her husband, but maybe the vampire sex is worth it. BxE Rated M for blood & sex.


Neighborhood Vampire

A story for The Fandom Gives Back for Autism

by

Nitareality

**A/N: **This is BxE, comic smut. Rated M. Also rated ridiculous. I am not a medical professional, and I didn't research brain injuries for this. Thank you to the wonderful KristenLynn for her beta magic, and always to all the wonderful women I WC with.

This was originally written for FGB for autism. My older sister, now 44, has autism. I spent my career working with adults with autism. To say that supporting research into the why's of autism and increasing the funding of support and advocacy for people with autism are causes close to my heart, is an understatement. Thank you who supported this Fandom Gives Back effort.

**~NV~**

Edward grumbled as he got the garbage together. After twenty minutes of collecting from around the house, then breaking down boxes for recycling, it was finally ready to go out to the curb. He dragged it out there and headed back in, starving and ready to dig in to dinner.

When he opened the door that led from the garage to the kitchen, Bella was standing in the doorway, looking distressed and holding a half-filled garbage bag out to him.

"I'm sorry Edward, there must have been something sharp at the bottom of the bag, and now it's leaking everywhere. Will you please take this out for me?"

Edward looked from her hand to the bottom of the bag, where a greasy substance dripped onto his shoe. He reached for the bag hesitantly, and pinched it between two fingers. He smiled widely, his teeth clenched. "Sure Bella, I'd love nothing more than to spend more time with the garbage."

He held it gingerly, his arm fully extended in front of him, in order to protect his now ruined shoes. When he got to the garbage cans, which were full, he debated just leaving the bag on the ground by them.

"Fucking raccoons," he said, "I'll spend an hour out here cleaning up their mess. Just suck it up and do it, Cullen!"

He opened the can nearest him, pushing down on the contents. Satisfied that he'd made enough room, he carefully placed the bag in the can, then went to shut the lid. It wouldn't close.

"Fuck!"

Resigning himself, he placed his hand on top of the bag and pushed down heavily. At that moment, the oily liquid in the bag squirted into his face, and his hand slipped on top of the bag. As his arm flew forward, his face landed in the middle of the garbage mess.

He didn't bother to wipe his face before slamming the lid back on the garbage can. He felt like a cartoon character, with imagined steam coming out of his ears in anger. Then, the door opened again, his beautiful wife standing in the doorway with a big smile.

"Edward, what are you doing out there, silly? Dinner's been waiting for five minutes!"

Pushing his annoyance down, he reminded himself that dinner was waiting. Dinner with his lovely, drippy-garbage-giving wife. He started to jog up the driveway, his eyes holding Bella's gaze.

Even though he saw it, it wasn't in time for him to register it in his head. Before he could stop it, his right foot landed in the middle of a small puddle of greasy mess and slid out from under him. His other foot followed, and Edward flew back on the driveway, his head landing with a thick, thudding sound on the asphalt.

The last thing he saw as he felt himself slip away was the worried face of his wife, her cheeks flushed pink, her beautiful lips moved tightly with shouts of his name.

~NV~

Bella watched Edward go down, and then ran to him in a panic. He lay flat on his back, his head to the side. A quick check showed her that he still breathed, he was just knocked out. A small amount of blood had trickled from the back of his head in a small rivulet on the pavement.

"What's going on there, Bella Balloo?"

Cringing at the nick-name, she looked up to see Mike Newton, their neighbor of 3 years. He was looking at her with the closest emotion of his that compared to compassion...curiosity. She held back from snapping at him, realizing that she needed his help.

"Wow, he's knocked out, isn't he?" He squatted down next to Bella, looking over Edward and chuckling. "That's gonna hurt like a son of a bitch."

Bella looked at Mike with narrowed eyes. "Yes, Mike. I'm fairly certain he's got a concussion, and probably needs stitches. I need to get him to the hospital."

She walked to the car in the garage, starting to clear out the back seat. She got in the car and reversed it down the driveway, getting out when she was close to Edward's still body. She crouched down next to him, considering her options.

Mike stood up as Bella did. "Do you...I mean, can you get him into the car on your own?"

"No Mike. I do not think I can get him into the car by myself."

She put on a sugary sweet smile. "Why yes, Mike, that would be most helpful. Thank you. Perhaps I could take his legs and you could pull him into the back seat?"

Ten minutes later, a grumbling Mike and an exasperated Bella had finally gotten Edward into the back seat. Mike pulled himself out of the car and wished Bella luck. "I hope there's a security guard at the ER to help you get him out!"

Bella blew her hair out of her face as she rolled her eyes. "Thank you for your concern, Mike. I'm quite sure we'll be fine. Thank you, truly, for your help. I couldn't have done this without you."

She hated to see the self-satisfied smile on his face, and the way he puffed out his chest at her words -but really- gratitude was the only proper response.

~NV~

"Okay Mrs. Cullen, he does have quite a laceration on his scalp. He's going to need some stitches, but first he needs a CT scan."

Bella gulped. She'd already been around more blood than made her comfortable. Watching the sutures go in might be the end of her tolerance.

"You...you're going to numb the area, right?"

The Doctor laughed. "Of course! We wouldn't want him to wake up with a needle in his head!"

Bella felt the blood draining from her face, the smells of the ER were overwhelming her. "Well, I think I'm just going to step out for some fresh air while you do that. I'll be back shortly. Thank you Doctor."

While she stood outside the hospital, along with the smokers, who were not welcome inside, she felt the adrenaline draining from her body. She walked back into the hospital and found the coffee machine, sniffing suspiciously at it after her cup filled. Hopefully this would get her through the rest of the ER visit.

She went back to the room when she was feeling a little refreshed. Walking right to the curtain that separated his room from the main desk area, she was halted by a conversation between the Doctor and Nurse.

"We'll have to get him set up for a CT Scan and a room."

"Right Doctor, we've already called about the room; that should happen within the hour."

The Doctor grunted. "Okay, but let's get that scan done before he's transferred. I'd like to see the results to be able to reassure his wife before he's admitted. If we wait until after, God knows how long it will take."

Bella had heard enough. She pulled open the curtain, pinning the Doctor with her eyes. "Doctor? He's going to be okay, right? I mean, this was a simple fall, no big deal, right? Why does he have to stay?"

The Doctor regarded her kindly; and she could see the empathy in his eyes. "Mrs. Cullen, we can't release him until he's conscious. We're arranging—"

"Right, I heard you _arranging!_" She frowned, looking down at the fingers she was wringing together. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just worried."

The Doctor placed his hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, or try not to anyway. I'm sure the scan will show us that all is fine, and we just need to wait 'til he's ready to come back."

An hour later, Bella was standing at the main desk with the Doctor, staring at the films that were hanging from the back-lit board above the desk. Doctor Cullen explained that he saw no signs of fracture or bleeding.

"We're looking at a basic concussion, the only odd part is how long he's been out. I give it one day before you have your husband back with you at home.

~NV~

He opened his eyes to painfully bright light. He was cold, so cold he felt almost inhuman. The room had a sharpness to it. His eyes processed it like nothing before, taking in every minute detail.

He didn't know why he was here, how he'd come to this place, or who was trying to keep him here.

He did know, somehow, that for someone like him, this environment meant exposure in the worst way. He had to escape. His every instinct was telling him that if any of his kind were captured, would mean the end of all of them.

But first, he needed to deal with the burning thirst in the back of his throat.

He had paid attention over the evening. He knew that were he to wait until after the woman came in, shining the lights in his eyes, making notes on her form, she would move on from him. He would be free then, free to find what he knew he would find in great supply, somewhere in this building.

~NV~

Bella walked into the room where she'd left her husband sleeping. When she didn't see him in his bed, her first thought was that he'd woken up, and the happiness she felt overwhelmed her. A tear ran down her cheek as she walked further into the room.

When she didn't see him sitting in one of the chairs, she checked the bathroom, calling his name gently. "Edward? Are you in there?"

She stopped cold as she heard a response. Chills ran down her spine, as the voice was coming from behind her.

From under the bed, a whisper. "Bella! Bella!"

Glancing under the bed, she spotted Edward in his hospital gown, crouched under the bed, as if no one could see him.

"Baby, what on _earth _are you doing?"

She knelt down to see him, holding onto the bed rails for balance. His eyes flitted back and forth between hers, as if trying to divine her thoughts. She was surprised by his next move; he crawled toward her, pulled her hand toward his face, and then inhaled deeply through his nose. Several times. He stopped, seemingly satisfied, and fell back to his crouched position.

_No. Hell no. What the..._

"Um, Edward? Baby? Did you just," she paused and pursed her lips and shook her head before continuing, "did you just _sniff_ me?"

~NV~

They sat waiting in the hospital room. The nurse was on her way with the wheelchair that was required to properly discharge him from the hospital. Though Edward had muttered endlessly about just "jumping out the window already", or racing past the hospital staff with his "newly acquired, super-human speed", she'd been able to talk him into the traditional method of leaving.

"Just, you know Edward, so as not to draw attention to yourself," she said with a knowing look, nodding her head slowly. "You don't want to make a scene. Then everyone will see. This is better."

Though he had looked put out and began the grumbling again, she had won that argument. He had put on the clothes, the special ensemble he'd asked her to bring. Bella referred to it internally as "the Michael Jackson costume": Baseball hat, sunglasses, long sleeved turtle neck shirt, those stretchy thin knit gloves, jeans and boots. He was excessively worried about exposure to the sun.

She was waiting for him to moonwalk while grabbing his crotch, or for his nose to fall off.

Of course, that had gone better than the conversation about his unwillingness to eat. At all. He had insisted that he'd scoured the hospital for suitable food, with no luck. He'd declared every item in the hospital to be inedible.

She had no clue what they would do when they got home, she just wanted to get there.

~NV~

They pulled up to the house just after sunset. Bella eyed her husband warily, not knowing how he would react.

"Ready?"

His return look was intense. "I guess we'll see, won't we."

Bella got out of the car, grabbed his bag from the trunk, and met him at the front porch. She unlocked the door, standing by it to hold it open for Edward. He walked through the door slowly, and she restrained herself from letting her exasperation show. He looked like he thought someone was going to jump out at him from behind the couch!

When he finally made it through the door, he stood perfectly still, staring into the living room. As she followed his eyes, she noticed that they were trained on the stack of books on the end table that comprised her newest series of vampire books. She snorted. _He's so freaking insecure about my vampire thing._

"Baby, why don't you go lie down? It's been a long day."

He looked at her nervously, then, with his eyes shifting around the room like he was hiding something, said, "I haven't been able to sleep for days."

After some time spent picking up around the house, and no conversation from Edward, Bella announced she was heading to bed.

"I'm done...I'm going to lie down now. You coming?"

She yawned as she stretched, the cool air hitting her belly as her shirt rode up. She looked down at Edward on the couch to find his eyes fixed where her skin was exposed. She smirked when his eyes met hers, cocking her eyebrow, and nodding her head toward their room.

His face lost all expression then, as he broke eye contact. "I'm not tired. I'll just read out here. You go get some rest."

She turned, disappointed, and walked to the bedroom. After stripping her clothes off, leaving her boy shorts on, she slipped between the sheets. She tossed and turned. The night without Edward next to her while he was in the hospital had made for poor sleeping, and knowing he was right in the other room made the separation more noticeable.

She slept fitfully all night - falling asleep for a small time, waking to see the living room light still aglow, then reluctantly giving in to sleep again. It wasn't until much later that her exhaustion took over, and she fell into a deep sleep, visiting her favorite of all dream-scapes.

_Reclined on the lounge, her fingers caressed the plush red velvet that covered it. Her lover hovered over her, his knee cold against the heat between her legs. One hand held her head in place by her __hair, pulling it back so her neck was exposed. The other wrapped around her ribcage, his thumb stroking the underside of her breast through her camisole. His lips lingered over her jugular before sucking, so softly..."_

~NV~

He heard his wife, the audible response to her dreams a siren's song luring him in, almost making him forget what he needed to do. What he _had_ to do to keep from hurting her.

_Maybe just one taste._

He'd always considered Bella to be so bright, so observant. He couldn't help but second guess his previous beliefs, as day by day, she proved herself completely oblivious to the incredible changes in his body and mind. Not to mention his capabilities.

_Wait until I get my hands on her..._

He willed himself to make the trip into their bedroom to retrieve his hunting clothes. A quick mission, no sidetracks. He would not be distracted. He grabbed the black track pants, black turtleneck and black running shoes from his closet, and quickly exited the room.

On his way out, he grabbed the gloves and hat he'd worn earlier that day. Slinking silently through the back door, he walked the perimeter of the neighborhood through their backyards. Oddly enough, the neighborhood association he'd fought against so rabidly was now his new best friend: there wasn't a fence to be found in the neighborhood.

For as long as he could remember, Mrs. Cope had put her yappy little dogs out at 11:00 pm. She'd leave them out to bark endlessly, all night long as she slept, for years. In the pale light of her backyard, only his teeth would be visible. He tried to keep his gleeful smile in check.

_Monster? I'm doing a public service. I should get a fucking award for this._

When "thing one" and "thing two" came running his way, he had his little baggie of hot dog slices at the ready. He lured them over to him easily. As they chewed on their snacks, he grabbed them by the scruffs of their necks and ran.

~NV~

Bella woke while it was still dark. She stretched in the bed and was shocked when her feet hit something. She opened her eyes fully, barely able to make out a figure, but she'd know that scent anywhere. He was stretched out next to her, the weight of him on the mattress rolling her a little bit toward him in a very nice way.

"I didn't expect to find _you _in bed..."

His voice, when he spoke, was a gravelly whisper. "You were talking in your sleep."

She faced him, putting her hands on his chest. She nuzzled her face into the light hair there, as an embarrassed smile spread across her face.

"And you listened? Should I be worried about what you heard?"

He was dragging kisses up her arm, over her shoulder. "It really was quite fascinating. You always have dreamed so vividly, but now, the way I can hear you, it's a whole different experience."

He'd reached her neck and seemed content to stay there, hovering over her jugular as he spoke. His voice was louder but deeper. "You've always wanted a vampire of your own Bella, what will you do now that you have him?"

It took her a minute to process before a thrill ran through Bella's body. It seemed Edward was finally going to role-play, just like she'd wanted for years.

_Hell yes_!

"A vampire!" She pushed away from him in mock fear. "I should run!"

He grabbed her around her waist. She struggled to no avail, caged in his strong arms.

He rolled her onto her back, once again propping himself up on his elbows. He dropped his mouth to her neck, his nose by her ear, inhaling her scent, then sighing his breath against her skin. He butterflied his tongue down to her collar bone and below. When he reached her cleavage, he began licking, first in the valley between her breasts, then across her chest, tracing over her veins with his tongue.

She dove into the fantasy, loving when his teeth marked her skin.

~NV~

Bella sat at the dining room table, typing away at her laptop, catching up on emails from work. She had a few more days off in order to take care of Edward. He was, of course, resistant to the idea of her helping him and spent most of the day away from her.

For days, as she ran errands and worked around the house, he had sat on the couch in his office reading. He kept the room closed up all day long, the dark wood blinds blocking out all the sun. When she'd tried to open them, he'd jumped up to prevent it.

"Bella, we don't have to make things so obvious!"

She searched his face for a moment. He truly looked frustrated, but he wasn't alone!

"Things? What things?"

He gave her a knowing smile as he closed them up tightly. "There, that's better. Baby, you know I can't be exposed, you would be in danger if I were. It's best to pretend you don't know."

"You know, Edward? I'm starting to think that little bump on your head did something to your sense of humor and timing." She shook her head at him. "This morning, that was great. But now? This isn't funny. Leave the role-play in the bedroom."

She spun on her heel and walked out of the room, but not without noticing the confused look on his face.

Later, putting the last touches on her salad, her thoughts circled back to Edward. He hadn't eaten - not once, to her knowledge - since he'd been home. Between that and his absence in their bed, she really was starting to worry.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. Drying her hands on a towel as she walked, she opened the door. She wasn't surprised to find Mrs. Cope. Surely the entire neighborhood had become accustomed to her weekly visits. The woman considered her visits a public service of sorts, a neighborhood newscast brought straight to each door.

What did surprise her was the distraught look on her face.

"Mrs. Cope! Come in! What on earth is wrong?"

She thrust a piece of paper into Bella's hands. "My babies! Someone has taken my babies!"

Bella looked at the flyer in her hand, taking note of the two tiny nuisances just to be polite, though she was far too familiar with them.

_Lady, no one has taken your dogs, think poison..._

"Bella please, if you see them, they know you, they'll come to you." _Chewing on my ankles as a midday snack!_

"Sure, Mrs. Cope. I'll go grab Edward, and we'll take a walk around the neighborhood, look by the woods. Maybe they've just wandered off."

"Oh, thank you! I can keep passing out the flyers." She turned, waddling down the walkway, and yelling thank you behind her as she went.

She shut the door, taking another amused look at the piece of paper before turning to go find Edward. Of course, she didn't need to look far. He was sitting right where he had been for days; his office was dark and he sat at his desk staring at his computer screen.

She stood looking at him, leaning against the door frame. "Hey. I know you don't really care for her, but Mrs. Cope just stopped by. She was pretty upset."

His head whipped up as soon as she said the name. "Mrs. Cope?"

"Yes. Mrs. Cope." She rolled her eyes, waving the flyer at him. "Her dogs have gone missing. She thinks someone has taken them. Obviously no one would take those obnoxious dogs, so either they wandered off or someone poisoned them. Anyway, I said we'd help her look for them, so come on. The fresh air will do you good."

"Bella! I can't go outside!" He slammed his hands down on the desk. "Why do you keep pushing me!"

She gritted her teeth. "Fine. Stay in here. I'm going to go out and help our neighbor. Whatever is going on with you...you need to get over it. Or maybe you need to go back to the doctor."

"I already told you what's going on with me!"

She threw her hands up in the air, growling at him. "Right. Vampire. No sleep. Can't go outside. Super human strength and speed. Hiding in your office. Perfect."

She left him there, slamming the front door as she exited their house. Maybe this was all a joke, a joke to which he had really, really committed. She weighed different likelihoods in her head as she walked, keeping her eyes alert for the little canines.

After she'd passed a couple blocks, she noticed that she was seeing new signs on the light posts. There was a cat, Missy, who seemed to be missing, as well as another dog.

_How odd._

By the time she'd made the full circuit back to her house, not only had she not found Mrs. Cope's animals, but the number of missing pets in the neighborhood had gone from two to five. Her anger was stoked, thinking it was probably some awful teenager prank.

~NV~

The soft snuffling and snoring sounds coming from the bed assured Edward that his wife was asleep. He prepared himself, dressing carefully, it would not do to be caught. He smiled when he thought of his plan.

_F__irst stop, the Weber house. They have that Great Dane._

~NV~

Bella awoke to an empty bed, yet again. She groaned as she stretched, hating the thought of going back to work today. The week off had been nice. After getting out of bed, she found her way to the kitchen, grabbing some coffee.

She walked outside in her robe, grabbing the newspaper from the driveway. When she stood, she noticed the proliferation of signs taped to the light post in front of their house. There had to be 10 different animals!

Her unkempt yard didn't escape her notice either. She vowed that Edward, who wouldn't see the doctor to get cleared to go back to work 'til tomorrow, would be taking care of that today. She laughed.

_Super human skin or not._

She dropped the newspaper on the kitchen table, noting the bold headline, "Rash of Animal Disappearances Continues!" She read further that few animals had been found, and those that had had been torn apart, drained of blood.

_He wouldn't!_

That train of thought was disrupted by her husband's arrival in the kitchen. She quickly shifted, spinning on him.

"Edward. This has to stop. Have you even looked outside recently? The grass is past my ankles, and there are weeds everywhere! I need you to take care of this today, before I come back."

"Actually, I was thinking of calling that Yorkie boy. He does Cope's yard..."

"No. Edward, just no."

"You have no idea what kind of risk you're asking me to take! What if Mr. Volturi sees me? He'll _know, _Bella, and then what? Are you prepared to accept the consequences?"

She slammed her coffee cup down, sending the hot fluid splashing over the side. "God damn it, Edward! Shut up! No! You will get your ass out of this house, and you will mow the god damned grass! Then...then, tomorrow you will go see the doctor and seriously get your head examined!"

She stormed out of the room. She got ready for work and did not say a word to him before she left. He, of course, sulked in his office.

~NV~

Edward grumbled loudly while he got dressed, getting ready to go take care of the yard. He'd put it off for as long as he could, but he didn't want to risk it being unfinished when Bella got home.

"Fucking grass. All this for the fucking grass. Go to the doctor to have my head examined? I'm not the one throwing dishes around and yelling!"

So, decked out in jeans, a turtleneck, a button down, a hat, sunglasses, garden gloves and heavy boots, he started up the lawnmower. Their cul-de-sac location made for a sizable yard, and mowing the grass was no small task. The fact that Mrs. Cope was sitting in her kitchen window seat, watching his every move, ensured that not a short cut was taken.

Six lawn bags, two tanks of gas, one oil fill, and some hours later, Edward was done. As soon as he entered the house he went to the laundry room, stripping his clothes off and depositing them right into the washer. From there he went to the shower, needing to get the chemical smells and green grass stains off of his skin.

He started the water, letting the room steam up a bit before getting in, deciding to spoil himself and turn the second shower head on as he entered. It was his favorite feature in the house - the double shower that allowed he and Bella to shower together. He stood under the spray, his face tilted up to the shower head, feeling the water already washing the exhaust from his skin.

He was reaching for the body wash when he heard the outside door shut, letting him know that Bella was home. Many days he might hurry to finish so he could greet her, or call her to invite her in, but today he stayed quiet. He hoped she'd cooled off, but there was no telling with stubborn Bella sometimes.

His eyes were closed when he heard the glass door to the shower open. He opened them to see Bella standing before him. Her hair was quickly darkening due to the water spray, and rivulets ran down her body from the wet strands. His eyes pulled to one thing, where a curl of wet, almost-black hair, had wrapped around her perfectly pink nipple in an upside down question mark.

"Edward?"

She took a step towards him, and he finally brought his eyes to her face. Her eyes were downcast, her lips in a perfect pout.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have left without saying goodbye."

He reached out to her, his fingertip slowly tracing the curl of hair before he spread his hand, cupping her breast as he pulled her to him with his other hand. All thoughts of their fight left his mind, as his hunger for her overwhelmed him.

He slid his hand up her back, stopping when he had a fist full of hair. He pulled her head back, running his nose down her throat, inhaling deeply as he did. The scent of her was delicious, and he fought the urge to latch onto her.

"Bella, I need you. I have to have you now!"

She ran her hand down his chest, his stomach, to his prominent erection. She palmed him, pressing and moving her hand up and down the length of his dick. He turned her and pushed her up against the tile wall, trapping her hand between his body and hers.

He ground into her as she writhed against him. He let go of her hair, and braced his arms on either side of her head, thrusting against her with such a force that she slid up the wall of the shower, her surprised gasp echoing through the room.. Needing to be inside her, he gripped her thigh and wrapped it around his hips.

He entered her, grunting as the heat enveloped him, the muscles pulsing around him and the body conforming to him all combined to make him drive himself into her faster, harder. Worried about his lack of control, he started to shift Bella.

Risking the loss of contact, he broke from her, sliding down until he was lying on the bathtub floor. He pulled her down on top of him, hoping that the lapse hadn't affected her . Once again inside of her, he started to move. He looked up at her; her eyes were closed, her face was flushed, and her lips were parted as she gasped for breath.

She rode him, her hands on the sides of tub, just over his shoulders. She braced herself, supporting herself as she slid him in and out of her. Moving herself on top of him, up and down, circling her pelvis into his, she came with a breathy moan.

Just as he was feeling her pulse around him, and his own tightness started to coil in his belly, it caused him to throw his head back solidly on the porcelain of the bathtub.

He was spinning wildly, but the fuzzy room was slowly coming into focus. As he opened his eyes, he was rewarded with the most wonderful sight, his beautiful wife. He had an immediate thrill when he realized that said wife was grinding herself on top of him.

"Fuck baby., I fucking love how you feel."

He grabbed her hips, helping her slide up and down. He looked up. It seemed like she'd lost herself. Her eyes were clenched shut and was open wide as she spasmed around him. He couldn't control himself further.

As he pulsed within her, he threw his head back in ecstasy. His thoughts went blank for a moment, and when he awoke he was lying in the bathtub. Bella sat atop him, panting and groaning.

"Oh God Edward! Fuck me, fuck me with your vampire cock!"

Edward's brain came to a screeching halt.

_You've got to be fucking kidding me._

"Vampire?" he asked suspiciously, shooting Bella an irritated scowl.

_Not this shit again..._

**E/N: **No actual animals were harmed. Well, maybe the two yappy ones...

Missy the missing cat? She's real, and featured in one of the funniest things I've ever read. http :/ www (dot) 27bslash6 (dot) com/missy (dot) html Remove my spaces and (dots). I know it's a complete pain in the ass, but trust me, it's worth it.


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